The First Holiday Season

Originally Posted December 8, 2022

We bought a new tree this year.  A smaller one that we decorated with white lights and just the favorite ornaments.  I couldn't deal with our massive tree and over-the-top decorations.  I needed the house to look different than it did when Jacob was here.  The world doesn't notice that he's gone or care that he ever existed -- but our house, at least, will bear witness. We put a little tree in Jacob's room and filled it with ornaments of things he loved -- CoComelon, Polar Express and Mary Poppins, birds, bells, pickles, etc.  Eli said we should have a picture of him on there since Jacob loved him the best.  We topped it with his octopus and the little elf hat we used to put on him at Christmas time. 

The pain is indescribable.  There's no break from it, no way to set it down or turn it off.  My love for him has nowhere to go.  My head hurts, my chest hurts, my arms actually physically ache and I squeeze his stuffed animals tight to try and find relief.  I exist, I function, but with each passing day I am more distant.  I feel like a ghost.  I can see the world around me but I'm not a part of it.  I'm efficient as always -- the laundry is clean, Christmas presents wrapped, lunches packed for tomorrow's field trip.  I try to keep praising, keep giving thanks, keep serving.  But I am so tired.  This grief is so heavy.  So physically daunting.  I would not wish my precious child back to his suffering in this world for one single moment.  But that doesn't mean I know how to live here without him yet.